i am feeling rather emotional these few days.
gone were the good old simple days.
entered the working world, and oh gosh, how much things have change.
everyone here has a thick layer of mask, all i could do is smile.
whatever gets into my way, i smile.
my signature smile to brace myself thru stormy days.
how superficial i am.

apparently i dont have a team at work, i am alone.
all alone with no one out there that i can seek comfort in enquiring.
how mundane working life is.
to add on, having a dad who doesnt understand doesnt really help matters.
oh wells.
just hope that all rumours in the office isnt coming true.
i really wouldnt wanna be transferred to the client's place alone.

whenever i look and observe other's life, i thought to myself.
they have very nice caring, supportive family, who stands by them in times of need, when they are sick, suffering from a heartbreak, or whatever crops up.
just having that avenue of listening is good enough.
how i envy people hanging out with their mum on a weekends, how i envy people having good meals with their families.
i used to imagine myself lying on my mum's lap burying my tears in her.
i guess its all my wishful thinking.

i have people around me who discovered certain illness in them, but they have a very supportive bunch of family members.
i used to think that i was in my tip top condition, having graduated, happy and contented with the way things are in my life, having dear people in my life who understands and constantly stand by me.

but surprisingly and really unfortunately, things took a turn.
people come and go in my life.
certain people left me in the lurch without bidding me a proper goodbye.
till now i wasnt giving any proper explanation other then a bunch of inadequate reasons.
and the dumb thing is i have to face the whole world of questions charging at my face ALONE when i wasnt sure what went wrong.
how selfish could everything gets.
is a friendship like that so difficult to maintain?
graduated and feeling that tinge of lost, tedious job hunting.
not knowing what i expect out of my first job. the amount of pressure i get from myself.

and during this pathetic period of time, i got so sick.
admittance to the hospitals on a few occasions left me with the emptiness and the same feeling i got when i lost my mum.
how ugly could things become?
went for scope, discovered certain faults in my body.
and during my lowest point in my life, i am plagued with a certain illness.


never ever felt so low in my 22 years of life.
and all these consequences bounds to me.
i have to face it ALONE.

within months, at your highest peak, you could be brought down to the lowest.
and i could only flash that faint smile (:
how ugly life is.

Y11:26 PM

in life, the cards we dealt with is never fair, however you just

have to keep smiling and move on.

Y10:33 AM

i have no idea why am i feeling so damn sore about everything.

letting go doesnt means that i should be well chucked aside right?

i believe i put in a certain amount of effort to feel at the very least appreciated.

perhaps being there is just another way of comforting me.

and it is something that would never occur.

its just another means of comforting me.

naive i may be.

at the very least on special occasions i made efforts to make sure things are right.

inviting the people you wanna see, perhaps i made a bloody wrong move.

from fussing over making sure i get something you like.

to making things right, entertaining people.

gosh, i feel so much like a fool.

then think about it, what about my special occasion?

what about my feelings?

what about the efforts that i am supposed to see from you?

i dont need monetary offers, i just want to feel appreciated.

perhaps i am just a bee buzzing around you and your friends' life.

i jolly well should disappear huh.

since i was never once being appreciated.

i dont need false reassurances.

oh wells.

sore and childish as i might be.

here's my uttermost feelings.

guess its never right for me to appear.

even though i ended things in a most hideous manner,

but i believe i ought to get the well deserved respect.

after putting so much effort, time, soul and whatever you name it.

you made me feel like a bloody loser.

Y2:18 PM

the ugly truth is, life can be really cynical.

its sad looking through the papers, seeing how ugly humanity is.

people getting hurt during natural disasters, bombings in a 'used-to-be' peaceful country.

yet there are people out there who are gloating over others misfortunates.

whats next?

i miss the times where i did overseas community projects.

it just takes you to a different world.

totally no ways of communication.

sometimes life should be that way.

hope my chance will come.

Y8:17 AM

my daily routine is projects, projects and projects.

when will it officially end?

i lost the motivation to study.

i dread going to school every single day, though its the tap card attendance system.

why did things start to take a change?

oh man, i seriously have no idea how to start this entry.

supposedly when i was skiving with jacky wu at mega bites, i had this inspiration to blog.

and that inspiration sorta poof-ed to mid air.

i really wanna rant this post out!

it sucks having such a feeling in your heart.

i was really so near there, imagine in my poly days, i found mr straight.

the whole relationship was smooth sailing.

it took a long time with huge efforts to build everything up.

trust, commitments, whatever you want you name it.

to think i actually loved someone so much.

i experience how a relationship is like, learnt to put things down a little.

changed for a better, put down my clubbing days.

i mean trust cant be built within a fortnight right?

little bickers, quarrels and arguments are inevitable.

but at the end of the day, both parties do learn to understand each other more. isnt it?

travelling overseas together, he making sure that i mug hard for exams.

when you know me, i have a super last min personality.

supporting me in times of crisis.

i actually opened up to him, sharing with him the lost of my mum.

bringing him into the family, introducing him to my dad.

it boils down to all this teeny weeny stuff.

to me, family is never an important thing in my life.

he brought me to understand where my dad is coming from.

even though he has committed a "crime", but ultimately he still loves me.

nevertheless, he stood by me, forever hushing me up.

still remember an incident that i watched a tv programme, and i was literally sobbing cuz i thought about my mum.

he stood by there silently.

whenever i was down, i knew he was always there.

perhaps because of that fact, i took things for granted.

its all the goodness that he did for me.

forever bringing me with surprises.

providing me that avenue of thoughts.

he's really something that every girl would have wanted.

unfortunately, when school started at sim for me, things started to change.

he was in army, and me at school.

the times we get to see each other, the amount of quality time grew lesser.

things took a turn.

i chose to give things up.

with my very own choice, i ruin every single thing that was built over a period of time.

there's no one to blame, except myself.

thinking back, i was selfish. i want the best of both worlds.

i wanted him, yet i wanted freedom.

i couldnt bring myself to admit that fact.

i am sorry for what i had done.

what if i didnt make that choice?

what would things become?

i guess everything's too late now.

perhaps its pay back time, i deserve what i get.

its just another emotional night out there.

hopefully tml will be a better day :)

thank you, mr w.

not expecting anything in return here, but just wanted to blog it off my heart.

to you, i am not materialistic. i was just being practical.

gonna turn 22 pretty soon, i just hope that it would be a smooth sailing one.

wouldnt dare expect much from you.

i remembered celebrating a birthday at pasta inc. :D

Y8:01 AM

IT FAIR!

finally the IT Fair ended, it totally killed me and jacky wu.

around 10am to 2am everyday?

seriously, all the time i worked at IT Fair, it wasnt that long hours.

on a side note, i kinda enjoy this job, though its pretty much stressful.

dealing with money is a heavy responsibility.

thank god i quit selling pirated phones! :P

everyone was complaining how long starhub took.

i dont understand what are some people thinking.

i mean you want cheap deals, you gotta pay a price for that right?

fancy shouting at the staff. wow. tak-glam la!

the workplace was like an igloo for me! cold to the max.

rushed for MC like mad after the IT Fair.

and some pathetic ungentleman was damn freaking rude. cheeetoot.

enjoyed myself at timbre just now.

hanging out with you brought me warmth.

anyway, i been to the CASINO! wooo.

though its not something to be proud about la.

i just enjoy observing people.

and its a waste of money for me to get in, esp when i dont gamble.

off to projects!

just wanted to blabber some random stuff! :D

Y10:06 AM

upon reading it, i feel so emotional.
how does it feel like getting en expensive watch for that somebody yet its just an ornament?
i mean its a gift apparently.
it just goes to say that the effort of earning that money to obtain it, is worthless.
or tell me, how you want to decipher that?
perhaps the significance of that gift is gone.
ok, i buy that.

heart warming messages are just heart wrenching messages.

memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things that they are, and the things that you wouldnt want to lose its substance.
i shall keep things the way it is.
before it is further tarnished.

she's just a past, wake up.
you're already out of the whole system.

Y10:59 AM